i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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