My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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