I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
