Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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