thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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