We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
