Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
