He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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