update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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