Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
