***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
