Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
