nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
