My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
