so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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