I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
