Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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