Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
