Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
