I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
