If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Please don't give away my fajitas
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