the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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