yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
he shaved USA in his pubs
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Text me some of your sweat
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
