I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
