Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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