So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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