The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
