i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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