Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
