Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
