i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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