as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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