So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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