If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
