you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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