His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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