Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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