i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
