i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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