it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
