the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
