Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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