I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
