Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I pour the whiskey from now on
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize