Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
