Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
