just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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