her vagine was all disorganized.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize