everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize