Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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