Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
