i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
