Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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