between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
