I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
