just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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