my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize