i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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