My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
