in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
